July rolls in like warmed-over gin ‘n juice, sweltering, melting and looking generally wilted, disheveled and overhung (from all those Indie Day cool brews). Scorching summer burns rubber across my mosquito-bitten ass, leaving tread-marks as profound as Debra Opri’s frown lines (not attractive, people). I’m just saying…let’s separate fact from fiction: July in the red-hot city, simply put, is gritty, sweaty, dizzying and crazy-making. And I do believe I’d prefer a torrid love affair in the South of France or Belize or Bermuda right about now, to this boiling cauldron of city stew (a lovely fantasy anyhow). But back here on earth, in the wiles of this metro tangle, we tip our hats to July because we must (lest it become irate with us and unleash its true tornado fury upon our tender island). La month de la Independencia Dia, with fire works freaking (teenage hands melting-off in the ER), baseball ‘n marching high-hat faithfuls, heiresses newly emerged from the clinky - pasty-faced (Sunset Tan’s musta almost gone under) as reformed and freshly-minted philanthropists – (I’ll believe it when I see it, sister), pink champagne in tacky aluminum, foamy toasts raised high to heaven’s sent, picnics on the great lawn expanse, 13-gun salutes and patriotic tunes, liberty, freedom and equality for the weary, huddled masses (especially those in secret prisons, or if your last name is a hotel chain), inalienable rights for all, and most of all of course good old fashioned red, white ‘n blue sewn into just about anything Martha Stewart can wrap her maw-claws around (just beat my fledgling fashion sense with an leaded bat for chrisstakes and put me out of my misery, why don’t you?).

I for one will not take summer’s antics lying down, like some hapless victim of its squally wiles – this is a call to arms, sisters! Formulate a plan: take shelter beneath a beachy canopy (ocean breezes… come to me), do a balletic rain dance, intern with some humidity-banishing voodoo queen, whatever it takes to remain cool, kicked-back and impervious to summer’s attempts to take you down. Clomp on out of June gloom with head and flag held high, body-surf the sandy dunes, slide your fishbelly hide into the heart of the frying pan - hot oil dripping down baking bucksides amidst row upon row of tanning boys of summer (or better yet, sautéed in butter, French-style). C’mon now, don’t be shy - venture beyond these bounds of reeking asphalt and urban tundra into wild escapes on wind cut sand, where tumbling, bumbling nature rules supreme and green is the dominant tinge… such a summery vision, oui?

Ride the train bareback outta dodge every chance you get (giddyap), nursing visions of dancing Montauk bonfires in your swelling head (suck back those electrolytes like there’s no tomorrow!). Enjoy the last fading vestiges of Coney Island and take a fly on the Cyclone one last time (sniff). Apparently George Washington marked the 4th‘s first anniversary with a double ration of rum for his soldiers and an artillery salute. Sheit, who knew the General was such a party-maestro? I’ll toast high to that notion, mon capitán. Daquiris all around!

	Early July is the prime time for creative projects to jump whole-hog into your spotlight (they came outta nowhere, I swear it!), you know… the one that shadows to you all places at all times, you iron Aries diva, yee of the ram species. So climb up on that positive energy subway and chug it till the cows come home (it’s a choo-choo). Your resplendent zen train snakes its way toward the land of budding romance (or at least stops off long enough for a quick flirty snog behind the little out-house on the prairie). Seriously, what I’m saying is no more sidelining allowed… time to let go, let go, jump in. Your home-front endeavors are on the up-and-up this month, so milk it girl (once the cows return), to the hilt as I always counsel. Your monetary ambitions rear their cutesy little heads (like Suze Orman on crack, I reckon) as you are determined to improve your financial situation (get knocked up by a reality TV celeb?). So go with it, ballz to the wallz, drop full trow and show ‘em who’s boss (especially if you can bend it like Beckham). Perhaps best not on the 25th, when finances are best put into a holding pattern - while that foggy martini (liquid lunch) hangover clears from your noggin. And although you may indeed consider your personal alcohol induced eulogies to be works of performance art, you’re probably the only one laughing. The fact Jacqueline… is that everyone knows how life imitates art and so it’s certainly worthy of recounting Claire’s horror tale of dehydrating in “The Breakfast Club.” I witnessed it personally; it wasn’t pretty sir. So to avoid this freaky life-parroting-Hollywood horrendous potential (what’s the likelihood?) altogether, and puffy pig-face syndrome to boot, slather on tons ‘o PRADA’S BEAUTY HYDRATING FACE GEL, with SPF like 500 (okay fine, 15). Lightweight, tinted gel moisturizer containing caffeine, yeast, freeze-dried aloe and cucumber (essentially an astronaut’s breakfast smoothie – I’ll skip that one and just have toast, yo) re-tones and maintains ideal moisture, promoting healthy, radiant-looking skin of all types (www.saks.com)… even in the noxious presence of this sweltering summer bender. On second thought, you may as well toss back that third martini after all (unless you’re prone to command talking cars, get videotaped eating hamburgers wasted on the carpet, or if your pet-name is eerily similar to a term for breathing fumes) - what’s the diff when Prada’s got your face in its sage clutches?!
	In your right Taurean-mind you’d likely swat away a busy little bee like an annoying shoo-fly get-outta-my-immediate-orbit kinda pest without a second thought. But as it so happens, July is the time to be buzzing about your own flight-path, on the bullish charge and sprightly active. Spazzy extra energy can be transformed into productivity, providing you find the right objective for your flitting flappers’ attentions, you winged-bohemeth. Opportunity rises from the loch like Nessie surfacing during a storm, from the 7-10th, when flames of passion’s promise escalate to true bean-jumping, piñata-slapping fiesta proportions - like the phoenix unfolding from the ashes of your former love life to new heavenly heights of evanescence, goodness bless it. (Overly poetic, corny and pathetic? I don’t care (Pierre), rose petals are in the air and I wanna rhyme about it... naaah-nah!) A seemingly out-of-the-blue job opportunity crops up at the end of the month, and homebody prospects are popping up like buzzina pop all over the joint (just duck quick if that hapless cork screams toward your third eye, sweet pea). So you’d better be cooling your swollen ankles in icy sake baths, spritzing those suffering pores, protein-packing that blanched-out hair, getting your sore tootsies smoothed-out and de-kinked by strong hands: I’m saying – ‘yer on the ball, I see this, and fronting your very best-of-everything, for shizzle this is key. Be extra vigilant and keep it up –you must to step up and reveal your mature side, but don’t stress on it too much – just put on your most responsible outfit, Cher (the clueless heroine, not the rib-extracting singer), and show ‘em who’s steering the caravan in the land of no-bull. And to those lofty ends (maintaining your most fabulous glamorous self in performance shape, of course), DECLEOR PARIS AROMESSENCE YLANG YLANG NIGHT BALM helps to salvage your summer-fussy skin (www.sephora.com). A purifying night balm for combination and oily skin, with tea tree essential oil and clarifying basil aromatic essence (hmmm, why do I suddenly crave pizza blanca, tengo no idea!). Gently reducing inflammation with plant extracts, leaving the skin rebalanced and healthy, like a cool facial salad for your steaming mug in this summer season of midnight dreams, when even a simple stroll through the park can lead to blistering, percolating skin-nightmares untold. Heed my warning and up surrender’s white flag, show your skin how much you love and appreciate it by feeding it all the refreshing delicacies it craves. Then splash around in the kiddie pool, your beauty worries floating away - Decleor is just like the handsome lifeguard who pulls you to safety every time (even though you know perfectly well how to doggie-paddle in six inches of yellow water, my crafty friend).
	Even as the housing market goes loop-de-loop peculiar and your ‘do frizzes up into an impossible towering inferno, Gemini’s challenges with personal finances go poof-bye-bye by mid-July (like Eddie Murphy’s former claim of no-baby-daddy status, ummm-hmmmm). You’re ready to make a spanky start (all two of you) and not a moment too soon - so hoist up the John B. sail and program the GPS, you’re on a mission from the supernatch. In addition to moolah-infused-matters on the membrane, the arc light swings over to focus upon several essentials: personal possessions (like that butterfly-print DVF dress I’m vying-dying for on Ebay - fundamental life issues ‘n whatnot, yeah), sensual pleasures (I had to delete my original text cause it was waaay too badgirl for your sweet-sweet BN ears) and financial security (EDT has nuthin’ on your Swiss-bank-vault-of-a-balance-sheet this month, you steal-trap accountant). Your personal energy levels ‘aint quite the zenith of zing you’re generally accustomed to, so pay extra-gratis attention to the chill-out portion of your brain and ‘zzz away some afternoon siestas. It’ll serve you well in the long run. And as sweaty July progresses, you’ll come to discover it’s high-time to reach your own conclusions and don’t you listen to anyone (including and especially voices in your head telling you you’re a former young, male teenage runaway writer and to sign contracts thusly)! Your issues are your own and you best know how to solve them – be your own shrink, lawyer and judge and the gavel will inevitably fall in your favor – hello, how could it not?! Translation = be your own spirit guide, inner-looking-yogi-third-eye-blind-self-sage for your own personal biznass, that’s what the stars ‘n cards say. And look for a fatter paycheck cha-chinging at ‘ya by month’s end, but don’t front too cocky just yet and buy that shiny red jet ski you’ve been craving (or some other equally inane purchase that will rot away in some garage or back-lot where bodies are likely to be unearthed buried beneath concrete, with all the mob trials going on these days) with your entire paycheck, as nothing is etched in rock quite yet and life always proves so chaotic… no matter how much you believe it is within your control (mind freak delusional). But the moment you’re zipping around on that diesel, aqua-motorcycle-crotch-rocket-contraption, you’d better be looking hot as the Negev in 120 heat at high noon, or you missed the hog and it ‘aint flipping a bitch and coming back for ‘ya. So don’t shy away from the international rockstar über-face-guru, MAC - always on the case to render us gorgeous, effervescent and radiant. The self-titled MAC Tendertone Lip Balm (www.maccosmetics.com) combines the highbrow shine of lipgloss with the comfy emollient feel of a nurturing balm. Smooth and decidedly un-sticky, providing a distinctive satiny finish that will leave the goldfish puckering with envy. With petroleum and SPF 12 for sun protection, this goo is as gold as the summer day is long. Take it from me, #1 authority and Queen of Vaseline (self-appointed and officially) - truly, I’ve been knighted by Susie Chaffee to carry forward the torch and spread the message about gorgeous puckers and their relevance to society and MAC is the first name on my moist lips. Big kiss.
	Okay now, baby girl Cancer, July is your month! I would sing but I fear my falsetto may drive you to an early grave… unless you’re a true sadist (in that case, here are my digits, you sweet-nasty-thang.) And since it’s all about you and celebrating the much ballyhooed anniversary of that very special day you swam out of the womb like a clever little squid and landed in your mama’s arms - it’s time for a twinge of introspection about how you are fronting your persona. I do know what a flurry of challenging issues life can prove, mz-sensitive-sandy-dweller… but you must not buy into the party line and step-to, just cause they tell you to. Don’t take it crabbing along, don’t bury your maws in the loam and pretend nothing exists save the crashing ocean roar and salty seaweeds tangling in your tendrils (as appealing as this may seem). You’ll see how your personal stock totally soars as a result of all your hard work and dedication (yah I know, second Clueless reference – so sue me!). Your charming appeal is like a hot-air balloon, sky-high and bird -free for all the world to observe (since when are you such the PYT?). It’s true that observers have pegged you as evasive and elusive recently, but by mid-month all misunderstandings are clarified and swept aside (or shoved verily under the rug like so many mysteries in our Department of Justice). Despite best efforts to root all negativities out-out damned spot, you may find your quick-to-the-draw anger with those around you and lingering antagonism in group gatherings remains. What to do? Ask Russell Crowe, he knows. Noooo… he doesn’t know shit about anger management. Just pull your Cancer magic outta that bag ‘o tricks and show ‘em your true talents (even if you’re feeling a bit wonkish about the whole shebang). Get out there now – shoo-shoo and be the best you there ever were or will be. July’s just a big pile’a… stuff for you to conquer - personal interests and projects are the focus as the madness really kicks in. You become productive and extremely active, your humanitarian goals prospering. Hey maybe you can hook up with Ms. Hilton and pitch her that idea ruminating in your cerebellum about opening a quarter-way house for former celebrities who have nothing better to do than to cook-up meth on the bbq and get busted in parking lots with smoking pipes. It’s a golden idea, baby, gold (I’ll license it to you for a small stipend)! And while your magnetism is all hopped up and on the go, make sure the home-front is equally balanced-out with your personal allure… fabulously scented, all fancy and proper-like with LINARI’S CALA. A most agreeably lovely eau de room (www.luckyscent.com); my Francais is overwhelmingly spectacular, no? Aw screw it, who am I kidding, I took Espanol all through high school and can basically only order a croque monsieur without completely embarrassing myself along the Sienne. But back to the smell at hand, your crib will wax tropical and fresh, like a sunny afternoon surfing the waves with Kelly Slater (hooooooot). Hints of fresh grapefruit and black tea bowl-you-over with their awakening, joyful properties. But just when you think its time to see what else is behind door #3, whiffs of sandalwood, orange, peach and sweet jasmine pepper in a light, earthy scent that will land you on cloud nine. And within the confines of Slater’s surfer-dude hotel room by the time you’re done, I reckon (Cameron, you are so last week!). Just check out my rip-curl, beyotch!
	Aaah languorous, Leo, don’t fall into that old July trap of summer hibernation. I know the cool rocks of your bat cave seem mighty appealing at the moment, but career and personal pride matters demand that you keep on plotting, lurking, crouching ‘n tracking your prey… for reals. I’m saying, just keep up your intense drive and your philosophies and prophesies will soon start receiving the admiration they deserve. Travel and promotion arise on your near horizon, so get a nice nip of relaxation if you can fit it in… preparation for the beautific bonanza awaiting you. And make sure to keep your lion-grin ever plastered across your significant chops this month – don’t take yourself so damn seriously! Loosen-up, drink a frosty mudslide at the height of afternoon (just be careful of those dangerous liquid lunches, I myself recently fell victim and oh what a calamity I caused!)… even if it involves taking a temporary slumber from your professional affairs for an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie polka dotted (vodka-soaked) moment in time. Otherwise, concerns over past events and behaviors could undermine your good humor and we hardly want to inspire the lion’s snarl (and tigers and bears), oh my! And in keeping with this newly appropriated lighter side, be sure not to overstate your causes - you don’t need to make like a litigator 100% of the time (especially if you’re last name is Delgadillo, as boisterous lawyers are getting their just desserts all over the damn place – I so love it)! You know what I’m saying, yo. Settle yourself into a charming late afternoon sunbath (martini-induced-slumber, rather) and salve on tons ‘o SISLEY SUN GLOW GEL (under your SPF 10,000) so you can snooze your way to beauty. Illuminating skin for a radiant smolder all year long (www.saks.com), even times when the sun is in hiding behind tumultuous thunderclouds at 4pm. Glides on like buttah to enhance your tan, rendering fabulous golden and copper skin highlights that Frederic Fekkai will be studying for eons to come to try ‘n figure out how you got such the fabulous depth of color (don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul, for a relatively minor bribe that is – I’m cheap, believe me). Reflective pigments and silicone melt into your skin, leaving it luminous and radiant with a fresh, natural-looking, uniform complexion that will leave the orange half of Hollywood seething in their tanning beds (and the pasty half squirming beneath their gargantuan sunbrellas) and wondering where it went wrong. It all starts in the home, babies, this much I know.
	You’re on a maverick roll this July month, Virgo, not that this is so terribly off kilter from recent mind-states. So it’s prime time to let your freak flag fly, represent your inner vintage and toast up high some unfiltered sake (icy cold, baby, and so much better than a wack Bud). It’s time to cause some commotion, compose your own Declaration of Summertime Fun Manifesto, pour on all the charm and turn it up to eleven (this one goes to eleven). But at the same time, you coming-out freakmeister, keep up with that all-important teamwork spirit you learned as a kid footballing with the boys and playing capture the flag. You see how ees trés important to have some semblance of balance, ms-usually-down-to-earthy-woman – I know, the humidity is killing all semblance of clear and rational thought. It’s like wading through Grandma’s chicken soup with tons ‘o elbow macaroni mini-pastas, chunky carrots and matzoh balls in your Agustus-gloupy way. What I’m saying though is: it’s rough going sometimes, si, but good times are afoot. Romance (and pleasure, yes please) could finally blossom this month (yeesss!) and connections with pond-hoppers may prove relevant. So keep your mind open to rearranging your POV, taking on a new perspective and getting outta your dusty, over-analytic head… you know what I’m talking about, like there’s any doubt! And since it’s all about the passion for passion this hottest-of–hot summer months, it’s time to get mashed-up funky with BEDROOM FUN IN A BOX! Kama Sutra deck by JULIANNE BALMAIN (50 Ways to Love Your Lover). Puhlease, truly, how clutch is this shiznat (www.shobhathreading.com)? Fun new bedroom game featuring 50 tantalizing cards of sublime inspiration on romance and eroticism, in lush (zexi), colorful illustrations, Kama Sutra verses, and "hands-on" advice about exploring new amore techniques... when the moon hits your eye… Tuck a card beneath a beloved's pillow or into a briefcase to ensure an impassioned session of your own. Sounds like its gearing-up to be a mighty interesting, pink-hot summer of lovin’, Ms. former Queen of Purity County – I like this side of you ;).
	Stay nice ‘n cool, Libra-baby, like a poolside cucumber-popsicle, as July leads your cardinal focus to be staring down the business end of both career and station (no, not the train, ms-mensa-genius)…in life, child. It’s high-time to dress-up and step-up as professional matters become of major importance this soaking, sultry month. Revv up your motors and try-on the adult act for shits‘n giggles (but not the kind Kim Karshadian practices in the ‘privacy’ of her own home, naaay) –just see where it gets you. It may not clock quite as fabulous on the entertain-o-meter as a full spa-day replete with light lunch and champagne toast. But yes, mon cheri, I must gently insist that you flip the switch on your public persona, don your most ‘ladylike’ outfit and strut your responsible side for all the world to observe. It’s a good look on you, baby, mazel tov and keep on wearing it well… you’re so freaking money rocking those ‘in-charge’ pumps… large. And even throughout these difficult wailing, wilting months of melting mascara, boiling in oil and sweating through every outfit in your closet, personal cheerleaders line the you-parade route with pom-poms, Gatorade, financial and moral support galore. Lookie here: we can all get behind all this hopped-up Libra-love, that’s for dern tootin! But keep those scales of balance in check - the need for self-discipline becomes apparent this month. Just work it hard (give it a good slap ‘n tickle to get it jiggling); be the good little comrade to society you always are and you’re sure to see positive results. Practice your juggling act by keeping ever in mind all the shards of random info swirling around your pretty little consciousness right now (especially juicy little tidbits about the past that become newly relevant), they’ll come in handy when playing your own pop-psychologist. And to promote proper harmony and balance in perfect attunement with your Libran innate inner-feng-shui-proper-alignment-sentiment, your inner shrink has the perfect little essential pocket-friend for you: BOURJOIS PARIS FRENCH MANICURE (www.sephora.com). Forget all this coalition-of-the-cowering alliance balderdash-nonsense, say what you will - the French have done it again! Delicate white polish featuring a uniquely-shaped flat brush that lets you tip your nails with ultimate precision… man, these handy-dandy Frenchie-at-home-do-it-yourself-thingies are freaking brill – giving you that fabulously clean, Hamptons too-cool-for-the-beach look. Tip ‘o Haymen’s hamantashen to you, Frenchie… and fanatics out there boycotting champagne can kiss my flaming Arizona!
	Stinging Scorpio is the loose moose this mangy month of July, something of a free-willy-nilly-soul-searcher with a vision. Play-up your usual sleuthy self to the max of course, but keep in mind that more mundane matters may still be calling (on the new iPhone most probably… did you see the freaks lined up for days?). So try to avoid earsplitting tantrums on the linoleum and work out some kind balance in there so you don’t drive yourself completely loopy and feel all Gemini-split right down the middle of your psyche. Just keep your you-know-what-staring-peepers on the you-know-what-ultimate-prize and it’ll work itself out stat, in a flash, ‘o powerful one. And bear in mind that the second half of the month is the perfect throw-up-your-hands-and-screw-it, it-be-time-for-a-vacation breakie. Adventuresome travel is most def on your horoscopal-radar, just as it should be (and as we all know, the courageous always have at least a twinge of a wandering mind… lusty). Your personal magnetism is tip-top terrific from the 7-10th, when your POV reigns queen… so mayhaps is the optimal time for that Greek Aisles cruise you’ve been drooling over for eons. And hey, along with those sun-stroke-induced heat delusions and hallucinations you procure, visionary prophecies might even occur (yah, seriously, do you love it?). But don’t tweak too hard on these freaky predictions, just stay level-headed… as partnerships become especially ‘spirited’ or perhaps shall we say ‘animated’ this month. Which is a nice way of braying that you may land up dealing with aggressive or frustrating behavior from that special someone, particularly around mid-month. And just in case you need to pull out your own drama-card deck to pour on some serious guilt and pointed kavetching back in their face, KANEBO M-1 BLACK MASCARA will be of grave assistance in heightening your dramatic impulses (www.saks.com). For a natural-looking finish, the no-smudge thermo-sensitive formula resists sweat, tears and humidity, washing off only with water at a very persnickety temperature. So your lashes remain full, thick and true, even as you’re delivering your Oscar-worthy best and pouring it on too-too-much as only you can do. Just think ‘o the weight of the fog and smog alighting from Tom Sizemore’s methy brain as he realizes he’s really, truly going away to the clinky, my fine-tethered, tarred ‘n feathered friend – that’s how damn humid it is these days! And yet the Kanebo keeps on rocking… hard as Tori, funky as Bjork.
	Always the Sagi butterfly, it seems as if the bulk of your socializing in July focuses upon the work place. But you’re definitely rocking the stealthy-undercover lover I.D. this month, working it hard behind the scenes, and often in solitude (as you are wont to do). Which is just as well, as competition between colleagues may heat up like Simon and Paula vying pitifully for attention (and we know that’s an ugly scenario – tripped over your puppy my freaking arse!). At the end of the month, an important document or communicado may appear that advances your interests, which is all good ‘n sweet ‘n such, but keep on the lookout for self-deception (not to be confused with self-depreciation of the Woody Allen bend, or total depreciation of the Monty Python gang – I sneer in your general direction, you insufferable coconut-banging Knight), and all that seems rosy, in fact may not be. So be sure to knock back those tinted BluBlockers and get a load’a life as it really is. It’ll do you a world of good to get beyond that fuchsia concept of reality you love to maintain. And to these noble ends (the finale of self deception, baby!), make sure that at the very least your skin and pores and facial derm are indeed as fabulous as they appear from a distance (such a Monet – okay, last Clueless reference, I swear!). CLIENTELE FACIAL MASQUE: "MINI-FACE LIFT" (www.clientele.org) deep pore-cleansing masque switcheroo-enhances the look of your skin in 10 minutes flat (yeppers, dramatic). An (almost) instant skin beautifier (hey, here in the NYC, we click off time in milliseconds – it’s essential) used once a week will leave you with smaller pores, more refined texture, radiant tone, fewer blackheads and blemishes, and the ultimate kicker… younger looking skin. So pull down those BB retro-sunglasses and knock 15 years off your life in the time it takes to change a tire, knock back a shot a’ Wild Turkey, or cop a feel on the B train at rush hour - transformo-pronto.
	It’s all about the two’s and three’s and four’s this month of July, happy-Cappi. Just keep focused on partnerships and donning your creative snap-on (breezy, easy for the summertime, ms. magical goat – you can have me any time of day, baaahby). Communication in personal relationships becomes mucho apparently transparent by mid-month when new beginnings are likely to unfold (wink ‘n sealed with a delicious kiss). And even if you’re feeling your inner Captain Insano persona just itching and aching to take over your mental-central lobe (or from those insufferable bug bites that make you want to crawl up a wall and pull your extensions out), this not be the time of year for speculation. Just sit tight and flow with the status quo for a minute (no biggie for you). If you’re running in the singles arena, you may find yourself jumping into a new affair with impulsivity and abandon, but remember to just mellow back a bit and take the edge off (Tiger Balm works just fine toward those ends – especially when applied and massaged in by a special friend). July is all about establishing and building teamwork, and putting in due effort toward mutual causes. And while we’re chatting up the apparent benefits of collaboration, why not hook-in some unsuspecting friends into a ‘girls night’ celebration? You can brush each others’ hair, ‘n pop zits galore, and when it comes time for the de-hairing ritual, they can smear those hard to reach places (behind the knees, back of thingies, etc.) with SHOBHA MADHU DELUXE KIT, a sugary sweet way to remove those unwanteds with reusable denim strips and plastic spatulas (www.shobhathreading.com). Because let’s get down with the nitty-gritty facts of the female beauty regime, who hasn’t tried to give themselves a wax, only to be left with tufts of hay in places you’ll never see with your own eyes, save the reflection of an all-too-honest hand-held mirror (mirror, mirror on the wall – WTF!)? Yes, even fancy, self-sufficient grand dames need a little hand now and again and Shobha's home sugaring kit gives the perfect opportunity to practice your eyelash-batting translation of ‘pleeeease wax my hindside, guuurrrl!’ The kit includes enough sugar gel for multiple treatments: just store and reheat when those annoying little strands grow back (and they always do – like Bai Ling appearing ridiculously and inappropriately dressed on the red carpet – it’s a self-fulfilling phenomena). Unique Leelapowder, made with jasmine essential oil and talc, removes excess oils beforehand to optimize your sweet experience. As an extra-special-bonus-feature, Ayate exfoliating washcloth, made from natural cactus fibers, is a Godsend to fight nasty grown-in’s (ich, bleech, hate those suckers – love my tweezers, love you!). So while your friends may be less than thrilled at your idea of ‘team-building exercise,’ at least you’ll be smooth as a groovy jazz tune spun from authentic vinyl rotating disks – oh yah, they’re called records (for the record)! At least then you’re surely prepared for some random Christen Slater ass-grabbing meltdown in some random Korean deli (what’s the Girlscout’s mantra – well, you know it already – hey, they’re all life experiences, jah?). Wouldn’t want to be felt up in a stubbly way I can only presume - how inappropriate!
	Sharpen up your fecund mind against that hard-as-diamond rail, my water-bearing Aquarius friend, for July is a month filled with critical and focused thoughtfulness. Bygone miscommunications at work morph into fresh opportunities to get you even higher on your horse and elevate your game (as high as Madonna dancing on banquettes at Butter, and you know she was flying on some’a the primo-grade stuff, aw yeah). Yesterday’s communication mishaps on the job are turned into new opportunities to improve your skills. Respect for your work is what you want, it’s what you crave - so be on the lookout for your stated beloved on power days: 10-11th, 20th & 28th, when your charm, poise and brain allure are at their absolute apex and you’re pretty much damn-near irresistible, I say-I say. And instead of picking some old bone with your partner, focus instead on home improvements, to liberate former constrictions on space and freedom (insert Stars ‘N Stripes here). And after a long day on the step ladder drilling holes and spackling them up again, it’s time to break out the BLISS DIAMANCEL #11 TOUGH BUFFER to get your footsies back into tip-top Swan Lake shape (www.macys.com). Fast-acting foot buffer combines a pro grade, callus-crippling, industrial diamond dust grit with nickel-coated fiberglass for a long life span (almost as long as Tony Blair’s career… and cue the twilight symphony on that one). So screw the concept that only fingers can sport bling and get down with some foot-fetishy diamond gritty-kitty emery board for your tootsies - cut to the chase in no time flat for feet as smooth as buttery toffee melting and sweltering outside in the high-noon July sun. Cause lemme tell you what’s freaking unattractive, um-kay - observing the scary, skin-hanging-off souls of my fellow yoga-goers as they lie in savasana, relaxing on the mat, and instead of zen thoughts flooding my oxygen-deprived brain all I can think is – eeew, girrrrrl, go on now and get a pedicure, ‘fore I faint from inhaling those flakes!
	Am I a dreamer, am I, am I a dreamer? From the looks of your Piscean sentiment, I’d say: mon absolute! Which is all good in the hood, honey-child, as your personal charisma thermostat is waaay in the black this July. In fact that maybe a wee bit understated – you’re more like a spontaneously combusting bonfire whose amazing depths and heights would surely put the burning man to shame and make him feel downright dysfunctional (fine, insert the obvious ‘erectile’ reference here, whatev… even though his entire body is made of wood, not just his wiggly, silly!). While last month may have been June-gloomy in the love depo due to bizarro-to-decipher communications (but hey, we’re only human, and they may have been sqwaking in Romulan Grok, for all you know), July gives you a freshy new opportunity to get the lock on what the freak people have been throwing your way and actually to decode it. Be sure to mark on your romance-calendar with a pink, leopard-spotted, feathery heart-shaped pen the 10th, 11th, 28th ‘n 29th as days cordoned off for love and creativity (cause really, aren’t they one and the same animal - they are if you’re anywhere near my gold-leafed bed, buddy!). And step-up your bird’s eye from the watch-tower (no, not those Creationist-loving thumpers) because a romantic interest just might rear its lovely head on the job (I’d make reference here to the old adage of don’t sh** where you eat, but screw it, just go for it!). Your selling ability hits top notch, you’re a natch and no one can say no to you, not even the Soup Nazi (and you know how irascible he is) when it comes to pitching creative visions and pushing new ideas. Another few dates to note however, on the special portion of the calendar with the ‘yield’ and ‘caution’ signs, the 23-24th are tweezy in the ‘dealing-with-others’ realm where you might try muzzling that over-active outrageous mouth of yours. You don’t want to land up in the doghouse (or the big house), now do you? So just keep it cool and together and make sure all your bases and basics are covered. JANET SARTIN’S SHEER COLOR TINTED FOUNDATION (SPF 30) is the perfect essential to smear on in case of a last minute photo-op or spontaneous walk down the red carpet. Clearly this schmear sends all the right smoke signals to those you wish to impress (cause yah, there are still some worthy of your amazing skills left in the world – I swear!). Fabulon for all skin types and tones, oil free with a hint of sprightly color, hydrating and evening into beatifically supple tones (www.sartin.com). So smile for your file, baby, you’re a net-star on YouTube (favorited ten-thousand times in 20 minutes), mon dieu.